I Keenly feel your pain… Really… earnestly.
And my humble little piece of advice to you, is the same as HaShem told Avraham, צא מאצטגינות שלך, who cares what Mekubalim, etc. see into you. You can change at any time you want. As long as you have a living, breathing Neshama within you, you can change your ENTIRE being!! You CAN bring yourself, AT ANY AGE, to a full 180 turn.
Take a peek at some of our greatest – who only started their career at an advanced age.
That’s a human. One can start his (or her) engines at any stage in life and soar to the greatest of heights!! What a shame to listen to the naysayers (within and without) and give up such an opportunity and potential for greatness and perfection.
May your light shine bright and far!!!