Reply To: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵

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#1440151
The little I know
Participant

Joseph:

Anger and shalom bayis. It depends on how the research is done. Our community is afflicted with a dreaded condition. It involves the whitewashing of too much. Part of this is the “discovery” process in investigating a shidduch prospect. We tend to ask only certain people, such as a neighbor, a Rov inn a community, a former Rosh Yeshiva or Menaheles. The responses are some version of a rosy picture, without a shred of detail. You know, just garden variety, prepackaged answers. It really takes a greater effort to seek people in other positions where some more pointed questions about the above subjects can be answered with objectivity. Personally, I have done that, and I have been steered correctly every time, B”H. I have asked the challenging questions, and have gotten objective answers. This can be done if we invest the time, and dismiss the pat answers that tell us absolutely nothing. The Chofetz Chaim addresses this subject openly, and notes that even the most damaging information is not considered lashon horah, and that one must do this type of exploration.