JJ2020:
You wrote: “There is a difference between now allowing behavior in your home and rejecting your children. You may not be able to stop.them from doing it when they leave the house but not in your mikdash miat.”
I join you in wishing to establish proper boundaries in the home. Helivai we could manage this. If a parent can set a boundary, it should certainly be done. No one would want their son in a t-shirt and shorts or a girl dressed inappropriately sitting at the Shabbos table. They do need to be taught decorum and respect for the home. And these kids we are addressing in this discussion actually know better. And it is also fact that we have zero control over our children when they step out the door. No arguments so far. The question is how do we set boundaries? How do children accept the request? Do they see this as a boundary, or a rule intended to challenge them? Is this just another way of telling them that we don’t want them? Is it a provocation that will result only in their digging their heels in deeper? Is this a form of תוכחה that halacha specifically tells us not to do because it is ineffective?
Check out the gemora ערכין דף טז ע”ב. Giving rebuke is a great mitzvah. But the greatest Tana’im recognized that not every situation is amenable to this being done. If it produces a non-positive result, it is a greater problem than had the situation been left alone.
Our מקדש מעט will not be fashioned by the dictating of rules when a child begins acting out. It would have been established by the home representing the most beautiful of values in the time years until now. Maybe the failure of the past is a contributing factor for this child seeking his gratification from outside sources that are inconsistent with the Torah ideals we want. Rules? Is that all we need to?