Takes2-2tango,
Thank you for responding again in such a nice way.
Personally i can tell u that its the small and almost meaningless thing that tick a boy or girl off, such as making a big deal about hair length , black hat / no hat, dark clothing vs light clothing,s tandard size yamulka vs smaller. wearing rabaynu tam tfillin vs not wearing them.
If I were to take a guess, it was not the “almost meaningless thing”, but rather the “making a big deal about” that provoked the “tick off.”
When i say mundane i mean in the over all picture its mundane on the large chance of losing your child totally.
I don’t think something mundane causes a child to be lost. Something bigger must be going on.
These are for the most part where children start to get frustrated from thier parents in yiddishkiet.
Or frustration with parents gets projected onto Yiddishkeit.
Also many if not most people who are frum by rote confuse halacha with chumra, mesora/ minhogim / vs home made yiddishkiet. First stick to the hardcore halachos and then slow wean onto chumris.
Concentrating on chumros with out doing the halachos properly is a recipe for boys and girls going otd. Same applies to grown adults.
So it would seem to me that chumras per se are not the problem, but rather a lack of knowledge or poor chinuch. So rather than throwing out all boundaries, which seems to me like cutting off a leg to heal an arm, we should properly educate ourselves and become better parents and Jews.