RebYidd23:
You speak truth. People confuse chinuch with setting boundaries. They do not have to be separate things. If setting boundaries teaches, then it is chinuch. If setting boundaries makes family ties conditional, if setting boundaries rejects, if setting boundaries is a message of an authoritarian relationship, it is not chinuch. It becomes part of the problem, not part of a solution.
When someone enters a new job, they are provided with a list of company policies. Many of these are rules. But there is a paycheck, and there are benefits. If the relationships with bosses, coworkers, etc. are poor, the person is likely to seek employment elsewhere. At least the rules came with some positives. And sometimes the match won’t work.
Boundaries are crucial. But we want to teach them, and the dynamics of the home environment flow in a positive way. If we impose rules that are confining, as a show of force, sacrificing the family relationship for decorum, basing the love on compliance, we are rejecting. That rejection shows the kid that they do not matter at all, and will be expelled for the parents’ convenience and comfort. Nobody considers that chinuch, and this is certainly never the ideal.
Boundaries must be taught, not imposed. I think that should be simple enough. Sadly, we were not taught how to parent before we became parents.