Avram:
You wrote: “B = Boundaries are good in theory, but if a child has problems with boundaries, the boundaries should fall by the wayside, because it’s not loving or accepting to make a child with boundary issues face boundaries.”
I happen to believe that boundaries are good in more than theory. Boundaries that exist only on the architect plans do not protect anyone. Boundaries must exist in reality.
Now let’s explore the reality of this issue. I noted earlier than boundaries, to be effective, must be taught, not imposed. I want the guardrails on the highway to serve as a visual cue to maintain the proper direction of my car. To create a guardrail that one will continually ram, even if it effectively blocked the vehicle from exiting the highway, is not a boundary, but a barrier. That may be useful in the perimeter of a prison. It is dysfunctional in a home, even if it actually works.
My kids need to be happy in my home, not looking for the loophole to break out. Imposed boundaries create the barrier that kids look to circumvent. They have learned nothing. And I have perpetuated their negative status.
Boundaries need to be taught, where the kids learn what is right and wrong, what is good or not. I suggest that a great many OTD situations involve problems with this process, having been done incorrectly, or in a manner that was not effective. Now that the kid is acting out, now we are going to impose boundaries. This does not work. This imposition of boundaries is a parallel with rejection, because that’s the only message. Sure, the situation is frustrating. I freak when my toddler grandchildren discover a light switch they can reach. No one wants chilul Shabbos in their home. But the fight is futile, and carries major risk, in short term and long term.
One additional thought. We are conditioned to being mechanech all our children the exact same way. Shlomo Hamelech told us חנוך לנער על פי דרכו. The instruction includes that this derech may not be that which I would choose, and also not the derech that works for another child. We may have done a great job at teaching boundaries to all our children. But if, for whatever reason, it did not work with this one child, I have an obligation to accomplish that teaching in a way that will be effective. That is the OTD kid. Not necessarily bad parents. Just the failure to match the right parenting skills needed for that kid.