“It feels so hard when everyone’s talking in learning, and it’s basically all above your head. Seeing people quote gemaras in their sleep etc…It all feels so overwhelming.”
I’m a BT, so I know the feeling, but it’s a great opportunity to work on anivus. I try to have the attitude that it’s not embarrassing to ask questions, it’s embarrassing if you could know something but you don’t because you were ashamed to ask. Nobody has a right to look down on you for asking—your learning is just as valuable as theirs and if they worked on their anivus they would realize that.
As a girl in shidduchim I want my husband to enjoy learning, 1. for his own sake, because he needs to learn and I don’t want him to be unhappy, and 2. because children learn from what we do much more than what we say, and if they can tell we dislike something or see it as a chore they will too. I’ve also been taught that to have the father learning (I don’t mean full time, but for a little while every day) elevates the atmosphere of the home. It doesn’t matter to me what topic he learns, or how (shiur, by himself, b’chavrusa), but I want it to be important to him and for him to feel positive about it.
Of course you can date in your car if it’s clean.
I am looking for a working boy, but I don’t know if it’s shayach because I’m probably more modern than you and also I’m bit older. Anyway, the same way you’re looking for an out-of-town type girl there will be out-of-town girls (or in-town girls who don’t fit the in-town stereotype) looking for a boy like you. There are girls who think staying out of debt is more important than impressing people. There are girls who won’t be embarrassed to say “my husband’s not in kollel”. I don’t know that shidduchim will go easy for you, because it’s in Hashem’s hands, but if it’s not easy it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you.
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