This statement by Rav Miller ZT”L was made in 1978. We are now 40 years later, and we must examine whether the facts on the ground are the same as when he made this statement.
At the present, there is a large and growing number of heimishe Yidden who enter the fields of mental health and counseling. Yes, they have most attended classes and read textbooks. And יש חכמה בגוים. And they are primarily Torah observant people, whose primary dedication is to Torah and its values. The ones I know do not push divorce. The ones I know are busy repairing marriages, not breaking them. The statement that the marriage counselors and certainly professional therapists are only book schooled is not true today.
From the opposite end, the average Rov, who may be a huge talmid chochom, may be completely clueless when confronted with an existing marital problem. Most rabbonim should not pasken shailos without having undergone שימוש in the subject, and counseling or guiding a couple in crisis is one of those complex areas in which experience needs to be a prerequisite to paskening or providing guidance. The painful reality is that the Rov, with the noblest of intentions, runs a significant risk of causing great harm to a couple that is struggling. I have seen some wonderful successes of rabbonim who get involved. I have also observed some seriously tragic results from bad advice (again from great people with the best intentions).
There are marriages that should not be saved, and the Rov who tries to keep them together is doing a disservice. There are those than can be saved, even in the conflict ridden situations, that should not be considered hopeless. Should college education be the requirement for this? Perhaps not. Then what kind of experience? What kind of training? Can a Rov be approached with a problem and say, “I don’t know?” In reality, not every Rov should be expected to provide every conceivable service to a kehila. It is quite difficult to be a jack of all trades. There should be no stigma to a Rov forwarding a complex issue elsewhere where there is expertise. This is actually legendary. In generations past, poskim would write their teshuvos on shailos, and refer them to additional rabbonim for concurrence or disagreement. Many of the historical greats would conclude a teshuvah with the instruction to only implement their psak upon agreement of others. And others refused to accept shailos in certain areas where they considered themselves inexperienced. A perusal through the archives of shu”t will show this.
There is a valid point that the consequences of divorce are too infrequently considered in the process. Divorce nearly always involves significant negative emotion. This blocks one from applying the best of intellectual processing in which one would make the consequences part of the consideration of how to resolve a problem.
It is told of the Ohr Someyach – Meshech Chochma, that a couple approached him about an amicable divorce, where the two were unwilling to remain together. In passing, they reported they had a son, perhaps 8-9 years old. The Rov asked to speak to the son in their presence. he asked the child how he would feel to see his father once a month, have no one to take him to shul, no one to review his learning in cheder, etc. The child’s bitter tears were only matched by the tears of the parents, who decided to return to marriage and learn how to be happy in it. Yes, there are consequences, and this gadol simply added that consideration to the formula.