You know what the first thing to do with a child who absolutely refuses to get up for school? ASK HIM WHY HE’S NOT GETTING UP!
Really? News flash.
In real life I do have children. They have many disparate temperaments.
Some of them will never tell you what is bothering them, you need to guess and sometimes if you get it right they will tell you sometimes not. They are that way since they were old enough to shake their heads to a yes or no question.
thank you for this. at least it gives me perspective.
So you are 100% right on this. I have the same kid. But you are not necessarily asking them because you don’t know the answer, or because you need them to say it. You ask them for the sake of chinuch.
When you ask your child a question you are teaching them that you want to hear them. You are teaching them that there is a cause and effect for behaviors. You are teaching them that you believe they have something to say and you want to know what it is. You are teaching them that they have responsibility for some of their behaviors. You are teaching them that we ask people about themselves instead of making judgements. You are teaching them that they are valid and to validate others. You also may find out that you are sometimes wrong on what you thought they were thinking. That is a handful of reasons why we ask.
Nothing has worked, does there ever come a time when you hit them?
I find this confusing. It sounds like you think hitting works, so will I do it or not. If hitting is appropriate, it is appropriate because it is, not because nothing else has worked. You are mistakenly confusing that with it being the one thing that works that you save til the end.
Or do you continue just making charts, taking away their books which they wait till you finally go to sleep so they can take it back only causing them to go to sleep later, so HE will grow up knowing that the only negative of his behavior is mild reproach or what he considers soft punishment.
again confused. I never made charts, don’t believe in them actually. But why do you think that it’s charts and mild reproach, or hitting? If you have kids in real life, you have to know that there are a million things in between. I really don’t understand how you came to this.
And then In five years when he is 14 and never goes to Minyan ,you start running to experts for help?
I think we were pretty clear that we would be working with him from day one. Not asking politely, and then smacking. Are you implying that if things don’t work and you start smacking him, he will suddenly be compliant? If you can’t get him out of bed and you beat him til he gets up, are you thinking you achieved your goal?
I don’t see how your premise makes sense because hitting isn’t a “last resort,’ fix all. It is as specific as bed time charts, rewards, schmoozes and everything else. Choosing random disciplinary options instead of appropriate to the situation disciplinary options isn’t going to get you anywhere.
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