Dear Markiplier,
I’m reading this shortly before Yom Tov candlelighting and I will b”n have you in mind as I light. It makes me so sad that you felt you were being judged. Unfortunately, we are judge-y. It’s as basic and low as jealousy. I’m not defending anyone who actually did judge you for being a GT, but people do judge.
Having said that, please know that different groups and communities express themselves differently. There are certain people who fare well in Lakewood, others enjoy Brooklyn, and still others who feel comfortable in an “out-of-town” location. When I lived in X-city I felt unwelcomed. When I moved to Y-town I was love-bombed. What changed? I’m still the same.
So find your place. Find a learning partner through Partners In Torah. Make a true connection. Can’t relate to the rabbi at your local shul? Find one you do like — listen to recordings — and contact him. If he cannot mentor you, it is likely he knows someone who can hold your hand and help you settle into your Jewish journey.
I’m BT so I have felt some rejection, too. When I questioned it, I found my perception was colored by fear of rejection as much as by being in a group that was less open to people like me. It’s like high school in a way: I didn’t get their in-jokes. You know what that’s like. And that’s OK. I found my own group, with some effort, and I’m still here. You can do it, too.
Sent with loving thoughts. Markiplier, you can do this.
Some communities are more insular.