I am not sure if the OP is a troll, an attempt at getting twisted subliminal messages across while posing as a ‘victim’ or a legitimate victimized individual.
In either case, the premise that connection to Hashem is what one decides it to be is contrary to what Hashem himself has stated. Hashems will is the Torah (written and oral), What you believe to be true, is not what Hashem says is true.
The fact that you are using the alleged suffering you bore as a justification for violating Hashem’s rule, makes it pretty clear that you have a decent understanding of right and wrong, and you are using an excuse to justify the wrong your doing.
I was trying to read your posts objectively, but you gravitate from complaining about people being judgemental (which you are guilty of, as was pointed out by others), to explaining your reasoning for making up how one is connected to Hashem.
If you have personal issues, that is something you need to deal with, and I hope you get help with that, but that does not afford you a license to change Hashem’s word.