My view is: the Torah is not there to confirm everything we think is right and wrong. It’s not there to simply tell us what is a sin and what is an obligation. It’s Hashem’s infinite wisdom brought to a level that we mortal beings can appreciate. The Torah’s mitzvos are a derech hachaim, they enrich our lives and guide us, but there is much, much more. Torah elevates us by virtue of us internalizing Hashem’s word. The fact that Hashem’s chochma was gozer that something be assur or muttar, itself is of immeasurable value, as is the dveikus bashem that one achieves by knowing that halacha.
There are many halachos that don’t fit into a given ethical paradigm, be it current day, medieval or ancient. There are likewise many things that while wrong or discouraged, or even unthinkable, are not specifically a mitzvah or an averah. Cannibalism is only assur because a dead body is assur behanaah, but not intrinsically. There is also no mitzvah to love one’s parents any more than any other Jew.
For many things, we say that the Torah was given to bnei odom. That’s the meaning of derech eretz kadma latorah; it is a prerequisite; the Torah will not tell you mitzvos that you are expected as a ben odom not to do. That’s why there is no mitzvah specifically to not be angry or have other bad middos (there are other reasons for this too, that the Torah does not demand emotion since we’re not always in control of our feelings).
Whenever we find ourselves thinking “this HAS to be assur”, think again. Many bad things are not specifically forbidden.
Ad kan hahakdama.
We find the word love and honor used by chazal and rambam to describe the proper relationship with one’s wife. Chazal say it not in the halachikally impersonation sense, but rather “one who loves his wife as himself and honors her more than himself, on him the pasuk says etc”.
That sounds like a mussar vort. Akin to shom’im cherpasam ve’ainam meshivin, which is a middas chasidus and not a halacha.
Then we have the rambam. He says “tzivu chachamim”, so we are to understand that there is a halachik discussion taking place here. What is that halacha? The rambam in the same halacha qualifies his stance; he says he spends money on her. This implies that the term “oheva kegufo”, he loves her as himself, refers to actions – not emotions. And specifically actions of giving, not things like compliments and writing poems (both are very, very good ideas however). This fits in beautifully with the understanding of ahavah given in the seforim, that it comes from the word “hav”, “to give”. The more you give, the more you love. The rambam can easily be speaking of giving extra to your wife, more than feeding and clothing her.
The next halacha in the rambam discusses a woman’s obligations to her husband. There he does not mention a word about love, only what she must do and how she must perceive her husband. In light of the above, the omission is clear; the wife does not provide anything of her own possession to her husband, so she is not so obligated.
Another poster decided that the above pshat was not true, because he came in to the discussion assuming “there HAS TO be a mitzvah” since it’s an important matter. I agree it’s important. Actually, having a loving relationship is so important, that it’s one of the highest priorities in a man’s life. But it’s a result of following the derech hatorah in marriage, not an imperative of itself. The same way there’s no mitzvah to trust your wife, yet trust is just as key to a marriage, if not more so, than love.
So instead, he decided that a woman naturally loves her husband. I guess that’s because women are into love since the time they’re little, often dressing up as kallos, and in general being more inti romance and such. Non jewish women revel in romantic comedies, etc..
That proclivity towards the superficiality of “love” does not mean that they feel actual ahavah more than men. I think the opposite is true; women are happy when men dote on them and “chase” them – chazal say that one who loses an item chases after it, and that’s a mashal for men and women, chava being taken from adam, etc..