AviraDeArah,
“we’re not so far apart in our understanding of the rambam, since you admit that he comes to love through the actions delineated in that halacha and that the goal is to have a loving marriage”
I don’t think it was an admission – that’s how Judaism works in many cases. We can build and/or maintain our inner reality through our actions and behaviors.
“we only differ on my stance that I don’t think there is an actual obligation to feel that ahavah, and you think that there is.”
So what would you say to a husband who is just not “feeling it”? That he’s ok to just continue doing what he’s doing, or is it a deficiency that he should address?