UJM. I agree that the strict halacha does call for us giving people what they are accustomed to. However, as a community, we also need to prioritize who gets precedence. If Reuven is a victim of tragic circumstance (yasom, ill parent, lost job etc) and is looking for basic necessities and Shimon is not (chooses to not work & wants to buy a home for his child), who should get preference?
It would seem that the most efficient way to handle tzdeka giving for hachnosas kallah would be to have a larger tzedka organization weed out the Reuvens from the Shimons with investigations as to who is who. If they both walk around shul with the same letter and say “hachnosas kallah” it is the Shimons making the Reuvens look bad