Reply To: Clarification to mod and DaMoshe

Arso,

“ What you don’t realise is that for many of us, what constitutes “kol minei nevoloh” is far different to what you consider it. I’ll give you two examples. Amongst other chassidim, chassanim meeting their kallos after the engagement is non-existent or at the very least kept to a VERY bare minimum. In Lubavich it is unfortunately common practice. In Lubavich bochurim eating at the same table as non-related girls is acceptable. Not in other chatzeiros.”

This is a matter of minhagim. The minhag by us is to keep engagements very short (2-3 months) and to speak or
meet about once a week- with specific consultation with a mashpia for exact numbers. We also encourage the chosson and kalla to stay in different cities until the wedding.

Other Chassidim by contrast have about a year’s engagement so extra caution would be required.
I have learned about separating boys and girls by meals, and we do this ourselves, although it seems for whatever reason, that it’s still common.

In any case, it’s about caring to do what’s right, and following through, ie yiras shomayim. There are many groups within lubavitch (becoming frum, frum but not full standards, Lubavitch, chassidish, modern, going off) and the ones who care are definitely empowered to do what’s right and keep on growing from wherever they’re at.