CS: This is a matter of minhagim. The minhag by us is to keep engagements very short (2-3 months) and to speak or
meet about once a week- with specific consultation with a mashpia for exact numbers. We also encourage the chosson and kalla to stay in different cities until the wedding.
How long ago did this ‘minhag’ start? I find it hard to believe that Reb Itche the Masmid, Reb Mendel Futerfas, Reb Avrohom Mayor and the like, kept to his minhag. I believe that it is a compromise that was made due to the large influx of baalei teshuvah who would not have become Lubavichers had they had to stick to the old rules. (This is true, I believe, of the lack of tznius currently in Lubavich circles.) And then it became standard and a ‘minhag’ leading to who knows what else.
I know the engaged couple are encouraged to live in different cities, but they so so (the repletion was deliberate) often don’t.
I have learned about separating boys and girls by meals, and we do this ourselves,
Well done!
although it seems for whatever reason, that it’s still common.
I think the reason is twofold:
1. We can’t be too frum because of the baalei teshuvah,
2. We don’t want to look as extreme as other chassidim.
There are many groups within lubavitch (becoming frum, frum but not full standards, Lubavitch, chassidish, modern, going off) and the ones who care are definitely empowered to do what’s right and keep on growing from wherever they’re at.
The problem is that there are many fully-fledged Lubavichers, including shluchim and their families, who have downfalls in these areas. I can overlook what the baalei teshuvah do, but not shluchim and their kids, and there are many who have, shall we say, ‘strayed’ in some important areas.
In general, it’s the fully-fledged that I am referring to and disappointed in.