Reply To: Positive Word Power

The Cutting Edge

In Practice
I will choose one person with whom I tend to be sarcastic and work on communicating directly and sincerely instead.
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The Lesson:
Wow, you’re a ball of sunshine this morning,” the mother said to her sullen teenage daughter, who was eating her breakfast cereal in hostile silence.
“Oh, you’re just a genius, aren’t you,” the boss said acidly to his assistant, who had made a costly mistake.
“Nice job cleaning the playroom,” the mother told her children. “Soon it might be possible to see the floor.”
“You get an A plus for customer service,” the irate customer told the clerk who refused to accept her returned merchandise.
“How gentlemanly,” said the middle-aged woman to the young man who preceded her into the bank and let the door close in her face.
“You want me to treat you with the respect you deserve? Well, I do!” the man told his next-door neighbor.

All of these comments have two things in common. First, their meaning is the opposite of what it seems to be. Secondly, the people on the receiving end of these comments will end up feeling either foolish or angry. What they will not feel is repentant.

Sarcasm is a form of ona’as devarim that comes in a thin disguise, for the words used in a sarcastic comment are often, taken at face value, either neutral or positive. However, the circumstances and tone of voice supply what the simple meaning of the words does not. In addition, most sarcasm conveys a level of disdain that would be absent from the same criticism stated directly.
For instance, the mother could tell her children, “Look, there are still lots of toys on the floor. It isn’t clean until everything is put away.” They might not like hearing the criticism, but they would not feel demeaned by it. They would simply understand that they had not performed up to par, and were expected to do better.

In some cases, people use sarcasm as a way of veiling their displeasure, imagining that a bit of ironic humor will convey the message less painfully. For instance, a teacher might think it preferable to ask an unfocused child, “How are things in outer space?” than to say, “Shimon, pay attention to the work!” In reality, however, the latter comment gives the child direct instructions that he can implement, while the former simply ridicules his personality.

A person who uses sarcasm often does so because he fears the consequences of direct communication. The problem with this approach, however, is that it projects tremendous negativity toward the recipient of the comment. If someone cannot accept criticism, it is usually preferable to say nothing or wait for an opportune time to speak sincerely.

Another motivation for sarcasm is the humor many people find in ironic comments. Clearly, however, the mitzvah of ona’as devarim precludes us from causing others pain for our own or others’ amusement. With rare exception, the sharp comment is a dangerous weapon. It cuts and wounds, but is nowhere near as powerful as a direct, softly and carefully stated comment, in conveying the message one really wishes to convey.