One thing: I meant to say “I always said”, not “always say”. I try not to say it anymore, because I do try not to judge people. I stand by it when it comes to many people, such as Joseph, who has no problem criticizing people who don’t live their lives the way he does. Read through his posts, and you’ll see it. He judges all the time, often very harshly.
As for my statement, and what I think of it now, I think it does apply to many people. There are two main Roshei Yeshiva in the Yeshiva I learned in. I have a great, close, relationship with one of them. The other one I don’t like too much. When I told him I was going to college, he told me I was throwing my life away. He said I didn’t give learning enough of a chance, and that I had the potential to be a gadol hador. I told him that I didn’t enjoy sitting and learning, and that based on what I saw of people who did, I didn’t want to be like that. I told him that most of them were very judgmental, often criticizing me, etc. One of them even snuck into my room in the dormitory, and took some books I had, because he felt they didn’t belong in the dorm. He gave them to this Rosh Yeshiva, who informed me that he had burned them. He refused to discuss with me whether the bochur was right or wrong in what he did, only telling me the books weren’t allowed in the dorm.
I asked him why I should want to be like the “elter bochurim”, if all they did was make my life miserable. He said I needed to separate the learning from the actions. I told him I was always taught “derech eretz kodma laTorah”, and that the people weren’t following it. I said, if they are all like that, obviously there is some connection to sitting and learning, and being disgusting to those who aren’t doing the same. He told me he’d get back to me with an answer. he never did. He did, however, try to kick me out of the yeshiva. The other Rosh Yeshiva, who I’m very close with, wouldn’t let him. He had advised me to go to college. He understood me. The actions of the other people, however, were a large part of what drove me to not be frum anymore. It started by saying I wasn’t interested in learning, and it snowballed from there.
Nowadays, I see a lot of the same when it comes to younger bochurim – high school, and early beis medrash. When they get older, and get married, they see what the real world is, and become more tolerant. It happened with my siblings, and many friends of mine. The younger people, however, need to learn that people who don’t sit and learn can also be good Jews. People can not be as machmir as you, and still be good Jews. Should you call my wife dirty names because she has a slit in her skirt? Can you show me where it says in Mishna Brurah that a woman can’t have a slit in her skirt? yes, there are seforim written now about tznius that may say it, but where is it brought down from? The fact that it’s “accepted” now?
People look down on me because I wear a wedding ring. Especially when I visit my parents I Brooklyn, I get funny looks. However, on Simchas Torah, an old man in the shul where my parents daven asked if I was born in Europe. He said that in Europe, the custom was for men to wear a wedding ring. I know that grandfather wore one – my father has it now, although he didn’t wear it. For this, I get dirty looks? In Europe they did it, now it makes you not frum?
The fact is, many people in the Yeshivish world look down on those who don’t sit and learn. it’s been discussed here many times. It’s not everyone, but it’s a very large group.