I’ve been out of town. However, I have to say that responses like yours frustrate me a lot. What does it say that when a lot of frum Jews get together they create a culture that is so unappealing to intelligent, free thinking people? Your argument is that frum Jews are okay in small groups. Well fine, but excuse me if that’s not good enough for me. I am now part of a group of people that is wonderful to live among – whether the community is large or small.
–gitty
gitty, nobody said jew are only ok in small groups. What some people were suggesting is that you personally may feel more comfortable in a place where there are small groups. Some like that better while others feel more comfortable in the larger frum communities.
You’ve said that you were turned off from yidishkeit because you are a person who hates structure and being told what to do and when to do it. Although i hope that one day you willl see the simcha of keeping the mitzvos and not just the rigidity involved, I understand that this turned you off and I am not judgemental about this. I have no way of knowing if I would have reacted differently if I was in your shoes.
However I did want to suggest something that I hope that you will consider with an open mind and with objectivity. Perhaps your antipathy towards Judaism (because of your dislike of structure) caused you to see the frum community in a bad light, and not the reverse.
Can I perhaps show you some brighter aspects of the frum community you may have overlooked? You say that the community of secular free thinkers are better to live among than a large community of frum people. If your car gets stuck is there a secular version of chaveirim which will come in minutes to change a tire, unlock the door etc. and not only refuse payment but even try to refuse a thank you? The frum version of chaveirim would be there for you in a heartbeat if you call them even though you aren’t frum anymore. Is there a secular version of hatzoloh whose members will drop everything at any time to run save a life of another human being while not receiving any compensation? When someone is in the hospital, is there a secular organization that provides a pantry stocked with food, free for the taking? And apartments where relatives from out of the area can stay while caring for the patient, all at no charge? Are there secular g’machs which lend out tens of millions of dollars every year to those who need it, and with 0% interest?
Are there problems in the frum community? of course there are, we aren’t all perfect. You’ve mentioned the obsession with materialism. Yes, many people unfortunately can’t control their yetzer horah for materialism but that is not caused by being frum it is in spite of it. Last I checked, Hollywood and the Hamptons which although they are quite materialistic, are kinda secular and not frum to say the least. Yes, I know, you don’t associate with those types of secular people. Well, that brings us back to the out-of-town option, one can remain frum and not associate with the overly materialistic members of the frum society just as you can be secular and not associate with the more materialistic members of that society. And even in Monsey, Brooklyn and Lakewood you can find plenty of non-materialistic people who don’t live for their next custom wig and SUV. You just need to open your eyes and your mind to see them.
I hope you will not take offense by this post, offending you is the last thing I want to do. I just wanted to share another perspective with you about our culture that seems to be so appealing to the thousands of intelligent, free thinking secular jews who have become ba’alei tshuva over the past couple of decades.