Reply To: Pregnancy/Infertility

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SJS, I think you have been given some very good advice here. Don’t exclude them, it will hurt them more. But also, don’t be in their face about it, either. If there are days when you feel icky, find another girlfriend to vent to. When you are excited, share it with someone else, but don’t go out of your way to avoid these friends. It’s chalilah v’chas and l’havdil eleph alphai havdalos,when a women is widowed at a young age lo aleinu, and her friends avoid her for fear of not knowing how to simply BE around her. That avoidance is very hurtful, though people do it out of a sense of helplessness, and not out of wanting to be hurtful.

I think from all I have seen you post, that you are a very caring, sensitive woman, and I trust you to know the right thing to say and do in front of these friends. My husband and I have dear, dear friends of over 30 years, who never had children and whose attempts to adopt also did not yield success. What made it worse was that the wife and I were both pregnant at the sdame time (her one and only pregnancy), and we both miscarried, unfortunately, within a week or so of each other. I already ahd one child, and went on to have four more, B”H. She never again conceived. I was never worried that they would resent hearing about our pregnancies and babies, but I likewise did not want to rub salt in a wound. So we saved our “baby” talk for other close friends, and let them initiate any other baby conversation, such as asking us how our children were. After a couple of decades, it became easier for them, as they accepted the situation. Some people will find it harder to be so accepting, and I am sure you will continue to be a loving friend and not cause them undue pain. But remember this, YOU are not responsible for their situation or even hwo they deal with it. Try to always take your cues from them.

Above all (and since I clearly missed a crucial post or two about you), everything should be with mazal and bracha and you should be a healthy mommy with a beautiful, healthy baby, B”EH.