Reply To: Missing your Bashert

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#646780
oomis
Participant

“oomis, I agree with you about the looks, but I think it might be advantageous to for a shadchan to know if intelligence is the issue. Each time you set someone up, you try to learn more about them, so if this idea fails, you can make a more accurate suggestion next time. Therefore, it helps for a shadchan to know if the reason was because the boy or girl are looking for someone with more intelligence.”

Which is why they should make that clear BEFORE being set up with Girl A or B. They don’t have to remark that the girl was not intelligent, but rather express the idea that they are looking for someone who is a high achiever in her respective field. After the date, they can always say, they had little in common with the girl. That does not mean the girl is unintelligent, just not of the intelligence that the boy is looking for. I know someone who was set up with an unintelligent young man (borderline developmentally delayed), because the family of the boy are unrealistic about him and cannot face the fact that he is a special needs individual. As a consequence, he is being set up to fail on virtually every date (set up by different shadchanim each time),because no one wants to admit there is a problem with him. In THIS SPECIFIC case, I believe the shadchan needs to know the truth, but it still needs to be expressed respectfully so as not to be mevayeish the young people invovled or their family. I would ask the shadchan if he or she had an extensive conversation with the young man or woman, and did they find anything amiss. If their answer is either no they did not speak extensively to him or her, or yes they did speak but found nothing wrong, then I would look for another shadchan.