BS”D
Umm Mayan – with a name like Mayan_DVASH it is not a good idea to contradict a 600 kilo bear, to whom a fountain of honey is but a midnight snack :).
Indeed, though, my suggestion is completely facetious. For both the EY newspapers and the coffee filters. The former are not worthy of any action followed by a brocho, and the latter are indeed a step above sandpaper.