I meant to add oen more thing. I happen to be very fond of my machetonim, who are very fine, ehrlich and chessed-filled people. BUT…. when I first spoke about our kids (who met on their own and were dating) to my future machtenista, a woman who had first met me 15 years prior, and with whom I had a very pleasant budding friendship, which had petered out for no special reason, she smiled to me and informed me that she was so happy the kids were dating. THEN she casually mentioned, that as soon as she realized her son was dating my daughter, she had us “checked out and B”H all was well.” WHAAAAT????? She knew me for years as our sons attended the same schoo and we had worked together on projects and spent a great deal of time together. She knew what type of family I had, she had met all of us at school events, and we always got along very well. Exactly what was she checking out?
I know that some among you will have an answer for that, but the fact is that I can honestly say that I did not check HER out, as I trusted my own instincts that she is a good person. And she is. I did not require validation from some stranger who is a friend of hers, for that which my own eyes, heart, and brain could discern. And what are friends of a family GOING to say – something BAD??????
Sometimes we go too far, in my opinion in trying to dig up dirt. My frined’s son is a doll and happily married now. But when someone called one of the “references” about him and asked about his middos, etc. and was told truthfully that he is outstanding in every way, that was not good enough for the person making the inquiry. She asked the reference, ” Yes, but if you had to find SOMETHING negative to say about him, what would it be?” Please!!!!!!! That is not a shidduch inquiry, that is someone looking to hear loshon hara.