WHEREAS, Dvar Mitzvah and Osek B’Tzarchei Tzibbur B’Emunah are no longer applicable. WHEREAS, The bottom line is the ONLY line that counts nowadays.
WHEREAS, Hashem is no longer in charge of shidduchim rather statistics hatched in a smoke-filled room in a yeshiva are in charge of shidduchim.
WHEREAS, Girls are taught to search for quality boys who will stay in learning forever.
WHEREAS, Boys demand Size 2 girls, wearing makeup all the time, with a straight sheitel, and just the right length skirt.
It is hereby proposed on this, the 14th day of the month of October 2009 the following. Every shidduch made from this day forward, the shadchan will receive $5,000 in escrow. The account can only be opened 5 years from the wedding date.
HOWEVER, each time the husband is late to his avodas hakodesh, $20 will be deducted from the total sum. Each pound the wife gains $5 is deducted. Every dress size $100 will be deducted. Every time the husband sees his wife without makeup on, $25 will be deducted. If the wife changes her hairstyle, $500 will be deducted.
Since we live in an illusionary world, the actual fair SHADCHANUS FEE:
NOT MUCH!!!