<<<I think it would be best if Shadchanim state their fees at the outset. I think $1500 from each side is more than fair, but each community may have their own norms. The gown rentals don’t take “whatever the renter thinks is fair”, and neither does the caterer, the band, or the wine store. It is fair to the family to know the price at the outset, so they aren’t surprised that they “have to pay” for the service.>>>
Oh, dear Bemused, I have waited all day to come and say what you just said.
I just had my own wedding, and had greater respect for all those who gave me a firm and real price. The Rabbi, the band, the hall, all gave me a firm and final price.
The caterer was a bit deceptive, not including tax and expected gratuity, which made a major difference (about 20%) in her final bill. I wasn’t so crazy about that.
When I was in the service industry, I found that it was always better to negotiate your price up front, and have all parties know exactly what that price was, preferably in writing. That is an honorable way of doing business. You will have the respect of your customer. I don’t see why it would be different with shadchanim. They are in a respectable business, but it is a business, clearly.
The Rabbi was wonderful, and his wife admired my colorful necktie, and wished her husband had more colorful neckties, so I sent him a few ties the next week.
The band did an outstanding job, and I was happy to tip all the musicians for their fine work.
I wasn’t so crazy about tipping the caterer, since the expected gratuitiy was not revealed ahead of time, and the tax was not included in the original estimate of this caterer.
If anyone had said, “just pay me what you can,” I would have walked away and hired someone else.
I hate when people say that, it is inconsiderate to me, and puts me in a very uncomfortable situation — what is enough? what is too much? I have to do the research.
Just tell me your price. If I don’t like it, I’ll negotiate with you or go elsewhere. No surprises, please.