“Firstly, you’re comments here are always so intelligent, that I’m truly surprised at your advocacy of people abdicating their responsibility to pay for services rendered.
Regarding the “in which which sefer does it say you have to pay $2000”, that is truly a puzzling question. In which sefer does it say how much to pay for the wedding band? For the caterer? For the gown rental? For the invitations? For that matter, in which sefer does it say how much to pay your cleaning help? Your hairdresser? Your electrician? Don’t most people understand that they need to pay for services rendered? Except for the most “Es kumpt mir” type of person, most people know that when they use a services, they pay for it. Even if my neighbor, an accomplished plumber, fixes my bathtub, I will still make sure he accepts a regular fee- I’m not looking to get out of paying just because I have a good relationship with my neighbors. Kal vchomer someone who is not my neighbor, and who I call specifically because he/she is known as a shadchan, with no prior friend/family relationship! (I would still pay my friend/family the appropriate fee, as I do not get any satisfaction out of “getting away with not paying”, and if they refuse, I would send an expensive gift).
As far as the family not having the money for ANY of those things mentioned, that means they are not doing those things. If there is someone who is not having a band or a caterer for their wedding, they might also not be able to use the services of a shadchan. Or, just like their might be a tzedakah organization in town to help with the caterer expenses, the family might need help with the shadchan fees. A nice shadchan who knows that a family will likely be needing tzedaka funds to finance a basic catering package might offer a discount on shadchanus fees, in order to do their end of the tzedaka, but that is what it is, tzedaka. The shadchan is no less an important service vendor than the band. “
Bemused, I quoted your entire post, because I felt the need to answer point by point. First of all, thank you for the first part of the first sentence that you wrote. I appreciate it. I do NOT advocate, however, for failure to pay for services rendered, but rather, I question the AMOUNT expected to be paid for those services. Let’s say a shadchan hits the nail on the head with the first suggestion made to the boy or girl. Should the parent give the same shadchanus to her as the parent whose child has to be read ten or twenty shidduchim (some of which result in several dates with the same boy or girl before going on to the next shidduch) by that shadchan? Should the latter parent pay 10 or 20 times the amount the first one pays, simply because more shidduchim were involved, especially if it was not a one date only situation?
Your second paragraph puzzles me more than it puzzles you. Caterers, bands, flowers all have charges that are pretty similar to each other. There are variations in the industries, but that’s why people shop around and pay for what they can afford. I could not afford to make my daughter’s wedding at the Marriot Marquis, but I COULD afford Razag. I couldn ‘t afford a million hot smorg dishes, but I paid for what I could afford. I got gemach items, because they, too, were less, though I LOVE fresh real flowers. I do NOT view a shadchan as a vendor. That is too impersonal. But at least people know what they are getting in service from all the above mentioned providers before accepting the service. You do NOT know what (if anything) the shadchan will find for you, and it really is only long after the fact that a shidduch can be deemed successful or not. While I agree wholeheartedly that a shadchan should be shown some measure of hakoras hatov, if not professional, but a friend of the family, a relative, etc. a professional shadchan should have a reasonable fee that they charge. I do not think that $1,500 from each side is reasonable, and I ask again, where is that written? If they don’t have the money to pay such a fee, does the boy or girl get given back to her parents? It really is not the same thing as paying for the band or flowers.
And should someone poor, as I stated in another post, never be redd shidduchim, because the shadchanim know there is no “real” money coming out of this for them? Maybe the poor families have no recourse to marry off their daughter or son – they have no people who have approrpiate shidduchim for them. This mercenary approach makes me feel very sad. Again only the wealthy are deemd worthy. I cannot believe Hashem smiles on this.
Please do not think me to be of the opinion that people have no obligation to makir tov for something so important. I just question the amount of hakoras hatov involved.