I was asked to post this response to the letter that has previously been discussed. It was written by a very active shadchan.
Yes , I agree with the writer who contended that the shidduch situation is not a crisis. A crisis is an emergency situation which needs immediate attention and is usually short lived . This is much more intense, painful, and severe, and for many it seems to last an eternity. The parents of older single girls do not live a normal life, nor do the girls themselves. What seems to be a simple act like attending shul on shabbos and yomtov is fraught with pain. Attending a simcha is difficult beyond imagination. Only a person without any close family members or friends struggling in the parsha can speak so cavalierly about having bitachon . Would one tell the mother of a sick child , the refuah will come at the right time with the right shaliach???
It is completely unacceptable to attempt to calm people down and reassure them that things will work themselves out in shidduchim when it is quite evident that that has not been the case for hundreds of singles today..
A woman once confided in me that if she would have known what difficulties she would have encountered in shidduchim with her daughters she wouldn’t have had so many children. This highly intelligent, frum, articulate woman, was simply expressing her deepest feelings in a moment of shidduch angst.
One cannot ever dictate to another human being how they should feel. Our job is to listen with utmost empathy and do what is possible to alleviate another persons pain. Empathy, compassion, sensitivity are within everyone’s grasp. We are all familiar with the famous story of the grandmother who reacted by saying, don’t worry when a child was severely hurt until she came close and realized unfortunately it was her own grandchild who was the victim. Then the situation took on an urgency unlike any other.
For those who are watching from the sidelines with their tables full of growing families, the situation isn’t so severe. But when your own daughter is lonely, heartbroken and receiving invitations to her friends sons bar mitzvahs then its far more severe than any crisis.