I’ve mentioned before that I wasn’t frum for a while. I also come from a very yeshivish family – brothers in Brisk, Lakewood, etc.
I had teachers (I refuse to call them Rabbeim) who berated me and humiliated me publicly. My mother, who’s been in chinuch for over 25 years, spoke to one of them. He told her that they have different ideas when it comes to chinuch, and she won’t convince him that she’s right and he’s wrong. He’s a respected person at a major yeshiva, who’s been in the system for over 40 years.
I remember thinking that Rosh Hashana that when I davened, I specifically said to Hashem that I did not forgive him, and asked Hashem to punish him as he deserved. I realize now that wasn’t the right thing to do, but I still haven’t forgiven him, and it’s now many years later. He’s still teaching, and I wonder how many other boys he’s ruined.
I didn’t go off the derech right then. I switched yeshivas the next year, and did well for a few years. The yeshiva I switched to was a more modern-Orthodox yeshiva, and I loved it. However, the yeshiva changed as its community changed, and became more yeshivish. Then, I had another bad experience there with a Rebbe they had recently hired. I began having lots of questions, and nobody was able to provide me with any answers. I decided in the end that the people we were supposed to be emulating and looking up to were all hypocrites, and religion wasn’t for me.
It wasn’t until much later that I finally realized I didn’t have to emulate these people to be a good Jew. I could find the level where I was comfortable, and be a good Jew also. I became frum again, and slowly grew in my level of observance. I am still growing slowly today. However, I still never forgot what that “Rebbe” did to me. He probably doesn’t even realize what he did. If I told him, he’d probably refuse to accept any blame at all.