Reply To: Why Are Kids So Sensitive These Days?

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September 5, 2010 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #695038
WIY
Member

so right

A girl is different for Halachic reasons with regards to having had relations but in everything else it goes for both. As I am a guy I will speak from the male perspective.

If the guy is not who he was when he made those mistakes theres no purpose sharing it. Its not a matter of honesty. Its a matter of doing whats in ones best interests and the best interests of the couple. As insensitive as it sounds its usually not in her best interests to know that he had a rough past past and that she isnt her first. The guy did Teshuvah and moved on with his life and the mistakes he made should be left in the past. Its really not relevant to his current wife other than anecdotally. Theres no good that will come out of it. (The bad certainly outweighs any imagined good, you dont introduce something into your marriage that will in 99.9999999999999999999999999% of cases lead to a worsening of your relationship)

If they are already married why say something that can very potentially spoil the marriage and ruin how she feels about him? She loves him for who he is today right? So who cares what he did then? Otherwise a person cant heal and can never get past them.

Even if they arent married. He is who he is today. His past is not relevant and theres no reason why he should be limited because of his past mistakes. If someone with a past must say it on a date then its very likely that only people with pasts will end up with each other. However that severely limits the market for people. A guy who had a past can be an amazing husband and I think in most cases makes a much better husband because of the amount of work he had to do on himself to change and become a better person. Why should a regular girl not marry such a guy? But if he spills the beans she wont marry him. Not for logical thought out reasons but solely because she will see him as lower than her, inferior, tainted, or damaged. However thats not the case. He is a great guy his past is GONE he moved on. Why does it have to haunt him?