Reply To: Are We Spoiling Our Kids?

Health and aries. There’s good advice and then there’s reality.

First of all, I don’t believe that kids under eleven years of age can be held accountable to know the time when they are expected in the house if all the kids are playing outside. If a kid goes to a freind’s house, you can ask the mother to send her/him home at a certain time. But when all the neighborhood kids are playing outside then it’s understandable that kids lose track of time. If a child is over eleven, then you can teach them responsibility in this area. If a child is under eleven, the yes, the parent may have to drag in the kid. Some kids are naturally obedient, and some kids (from what I’ve seen is most kids) need to be dragged in when they are called in earlier than the others. Feel free to disagree with me that kids under eleven can know when to come and will come in on their own.

aries, Nobody’s saying that you need to raise kids according to other people’s values. What I’m saying is that neighbors and freinds DO have an effect on our values, especially kids, whether you agree with that concept or not. Otherwise we would send our kids to public school, if freinds don’t have an hashpoah. Let’s be realistic. I’m not talking about making an extravagant bar mitzvah, for example, because all your kids freinds are making it. I’m saying in day to day life, yes one’s freinds and neighbors way of life and middos do make a difference and DO have an effect on one’s child.

As it says in our shacharis davening after brochos, yehi rotzen…shetatzileinu…imaychaver ra, imishuchen ra.

That’s why, in this day and age of excessive materialism, it is a balancing act between what you do have to give your kids even if it is little more than what you would really like them to have. If you are just going to stick to your guns and not consider what others get, you might bring up a resentful child that may rebel. So it’s a real balancing act to consider what is essential to the child, even though you don’t really think it’s essential, but in the broader picture it is, and knowing where to put limits.

It is sort of like defensive driving. Even if you are a good driver, if others out there are not, then you can be right, but you can be DEAD RIGHT.

So yes, you may have your shittas, and they may be good ones, but the way you bring up your kids must be with consideration of what others around you are doing.

Therefore it’s doubly hard, because you need to give in a way that will not cultivate in your child a feeling of entitlement and also not a feeling of resentment. This IS because of the excessive materialism of others. This applies to all other values, rules and principles in parenting.

Yes rules are VITAL, yes it’s important to let our kids know that we don’t do what what every Tom, Dick and Harry does, yes it’s important to stick to our principles, but we must do so with seichel.