Whew! Talk about heated discussions! Makes me very happy that I don’t have kids in shidduchim these days.
My two cents: How are boys supposed to know about what is important and what isn’t when they’ve hardly ever seen their parents since the age of 14-15? In Europe very few boys – and then only the “prodigies” – were sent away from home at such a young age. Kids learn how to be adults by observing the adults around them. If there are only a few adults around them, and those only the rebbeim in class, they aren’t going to get much input. Of course they don’t know what’s important. When did they ever get a chance to learn? If you live in NY and not in Oshkosh why are you sending the boys away? Don’t kid yourself, if they’re dorming they’re being raised by each other, not by their parents, and those of us who survived the ’60’s know where that leads.
Also, if the boys are at home during most of their teenage years their parents will have a much more realistic view of what their little darlings are like, and hopefully won’t be so inclined to look for Miss Perfect. They might also have a better idea of what would make the boy happy, rather than a “list” just like everyone else’s.
Let’s look at what Europe was *really* like, instead of our fantasies, and try to grow a healthier Torah-based society that isn’t half borrowed from the goyim and half from dreams of what never was.