frumladygit – its easy for people to tell you to do this because it’s a chessed. To me it sounds like a classic manipulative relationship – you never asked for these favors, she’s using them in order to get something from you rather than to really help you. If she was really thinking about your needs when she does those favors, she would not be using your daughter. And btw, there is nothing wrong with bochurim learning to help out when necessary at home! My mother insists my brothers all have to do something “Real” to help out and they are all very good boys!!! Having to go shopping once a week does not mean bittul Torah.
Anyway, having been in an analogous situation, you have several options.
1. Continue with the situation as is. If you really need her financial bailouts, you may have no choice. Everything said above by wise member of hte CR applies.
2. Do not accept the next offer of help, give it back to her politely saying “Thank you, but I really can manage for myself.” This way, if you do help her, it won’t be from guilt but from true chesed.
3. 1 and 2 are more extreme options. There is a third, it’s harder but is very good in the long run. You need to stop the “she gives, I owe” cycle. Decide that your giving is not dependent on hers. If you can spare your daughter, spare her even if you haven’t recently recieved a gift. On the other hand, if it will be hard on you (or your daughter), say no even if you just recieved a major gift. This is extremely difficult in the short run, since you are used to this cycle, but if pursued consistently will enable you to feel less manipulated without giving up her assistance.
Perhaps give her a few “free gifts”. Ie, offer to send your daughter once or twice when she doesn’t ask. Then, you will feel more comfortable the next time she does ask, saying no – you can see her next gift as an expression of gratitude and not acting as if she is entitled to your service because of the present. Then, do not send over your daughter, just politely remind her that “Oh is this because I sent over my daughter last week? Thank you!” Or whatever.
People in the CR – It’s very easy to talk about how others should act. In this case, telling someoen that it’s chesed is a little counterproductive. We also have to know when a chesed is taking too much from a person, and not realistic to be continued because it is causing feelings of bitterness, like in the above story.