Reply To: When does doing Chesed become called "being used"?

Somewhere in this thread some one must have thrown the idea out there that I am doing this for approval. This is furthest from the truth. Then this approval idea grew throughout many responses along with the idea that I sacrifice my household duties to hers. Not really. However, I have had my share of shalom bayis problems due to disagreements about how and when and how much I should help her. As always my husband has been proven right again.

But I never felt I needed her approval. I have never felt I have done chesed for her simply for approval or love, or attention, or warmth, or even to “buy myself a friend” even as it written that one should. I simply did it for 1 of 2 reasons. Either I felt I had to/ pressured, and felt guily or manipulated or like I “had to” or #2. Because I felt rachmonis and honestly truly wanted to give her help/a gift/ an errand/free help -whatever it was. Usually those are of my own creative time and inititive on my own personal outings.

The only thing that bothers me is not once has she ever responded like a “normal reaction” like I get from the majority of neighbors or friends. Like “What is this? You went out of your way for me? Oh you shouldn’t have.” ETC. But I almost feel resentful ONLY after having given out of the goodness of my heart because its met with an attitude of how I could have improved/pleased her better/or requests for more/or show of no gratitude.

I am only angry because I want her to just respond normally. And secondly not call me up with these ridiculous requests like can you go to the moon for me, cause they have kitty kibbles there. Its absolute chutzpah. I owe her nothing. Except a monetary debt.

I say NO a lot more than I may have portrayed, in the above initial question. Because I just can’t. Practically cannot. But I am so irritated someone can be like this. The harder I run or the faster I go its like I am getting the whip.

I just wanted to yell at her …I am here to help you do physical housework and you are putting me on hold with the wave of your finger, so you can enjoy a good long phone conversation while I basically beg you that I can go buy you stain remover..that was one instance where she actually acted like I was of no use.

So having said all this. I have learned to be strong, detach and my new rule is I will probablly continue to help her in ways that i can that don’t involve me or my daughter personally, and in ways that don’t drain me. Or involve “using me”.

By the way, off topic SQUEAK…what happened to talking to bats? LOL I think that was so funny.