Dear midwest2 i am a NYer and admit that my house probably would cost anywhere between 50-150 thousand less in most of the places you just mentioned.If you have four kids out of town living expenses will cost more for a frum family on a daily/year to year basis then living in Brooklyn or Queens. Out of NY there is even more expensive yeshiva and camp tuition, commuting costs, property taxes, and kosher food and neccesity of needing two cars in many of those areas. Additionally, their are of course many amenities to living in a big city such as generally better healthcare social programs etc.. I.E. if for fifteen years you are paying 10-15 thousand more a year in taxes commuting and tuition you definetly as a frum family spend more by living out of town.
Lakewood and Waterbury, are the only two places where this does not hold true as the housing prices in Waterbury are amazingly low and yeshiva tuition is low as well. Housing prices in Lakewood are much lower then many urban Jewish areas with much higher property tax but Yeshiva tuition is comparable to Brooklyn.