Angst. Yeah, cow who moo and do exactly what they are told don’t have angst. You angst will lead you in either one of two direction. Either you it can pull you of the D to satisfy your angst that way (which never actually works). Or you can use your angst to become truly great, to become REAL. Your call.
Get the answers you need. Become proactive; no one can do it for you. Search. Check out Aish.com, call up an intelligent teacher and spill the beans, stop being afraid of not being typical. Search. Discover. Read ‘Rejoice O Youth’ By R’ Avigdor Miller – heck, go to the book store and read the stuff you’ve never read before, challenge a Teacher/Rav with question you’ve never asked before.
Find out who you are. If you dare, I promise you’ll be thrilled with the answer.