Yes, people stereotype. For all of the concerns people wrote – even if they do not apply to you. Shidduchim run on stereotypes. Lists. Numbers. Labels. It keeps the process somewhat efficient; in a world with lists and lists of eligible young people we need to have some sort of sorting process.
And yes, that means that some eligible people will lose out because of the system. But a system we need. Be nice if it was better. But it ain’t.
As you agree, there are valid concerns with a Baal Teshuvah; true, checking could eliminate many of them (though not all). But is it reasonable to expect every mom to check every single girl thoroughly? Obviously, there has to be something to start with; and that’s going to be based on labels and stereotypes. And labels are helpful, even if they aren’t perfect.
Yes, you’re getting a raw deal from the system. Unfortunately , you are not it’s only victim. So are boys who didn’t go to Lakewood, girl’s who’s dream sem already took two girls from her city, a child of divorced parents, and anybody who’s name sounds funny. It’s another challenge of being a Baalas Teshuvah; sounds like you’ve had others and beat those.
Be stubborn. Keep pushing. It only takes one. Yes, and you may have “pay” for your stereotype for someone’s else stereotype, and you’ll cancel each other out.
I was once asked by a girl from an excellent sem & family – she was redt to a boy from …an excellent yeshiva…and heard the finest things about him from his Roshey Yeshiva etc.. She was all set, until her brother vetoed it. Apparently he hadn’t davened with a minyan for two years.
She was very hurt; – she could have been a victim of the system, too! – who, she wanted to know, who, ended up marrying these fakers?
“The chashuveh prutzas in your chashuvah sem” I answered. She was happy. Fakers will marry fakers. Real people will marry real people. Divorces happen when they mix. Labels are labels.
We use them to narrow down the list.
Hashem uses them to play us like a broken fiddle.
How many boys with excellent resumes are abusers, addicts, mental illness…bedikos are a segulah, but not a havtacha…OY!
Stereotypes cut both ways. Hashem works out the real deal. Real things can never make it to a piece of paper; but alas, we can’t date everyone.
Your Bashert may have had a rough family life, or some meaningless childhood disease, or some other stereotype, that will force him to see past yours. And he will be lucky that he was forced to.
Or he may just rely on his Aunt who won’t stop badgering him (Aunts are good. Not as protective as Moms, but with a lot of influence).
So yeah, it’s real. There are so many questions it’s hard to start asking unless you have to. But what does that have to do with God?
Hatzlacha!