Truth is, all I (and most people) learnt was lessons I (we) had heard from rebbeim / rabbonim / articles read, ect.
There is a story of a poor man who needed firewood. So he went to the Rov, who took him to the town gevir. The Rov shouts out to the gevir from the courtyard, “Reb Yankle, I need to talk to you for a minute.”
Yankle opens the window and asks the Rov to come upstairs. No, says the Rov, you need to come downstairs. So down Yankle comes, and the Rov explains the poor man’s situation.
Sure enough, Yankle takes the poor man to the woodshed and gives his a huge load of wood. Shivering to the bone, Yankle says to the Rov “Now, can we go upstairs?”
Once upstairs, Yankle asks why it was necessary for him to come down. He could have directed the poor man to the shed from the window.
Answers the Rov, “from your warm livingroom, you understand its cold. From the courtyard, you KNOW its cold (and will be more understanding)
Till I really touched bottom, I really did not KNOW how lonely you feel when the chips are down. When all else failed, Hashem was (and is) still with me. Too bad we need to learn it the hard way, but I guess that’s part of bechira.
I know that words are an empty consolation, but poerhaps what you went thru may enable you to help someone else in a similar situation, and that’s a real nechoma for the neshoma of your child A’H.
May we only hear besuros tovos!