also, I used to feel very incorrect when speaking to the bereaved. I would say something foolish, or something inadvertently painful, or worse, I would avoid saying anything to the bereaved thinking I was going to say something foolish.
Then I read a book on etiquette, and I realized I can always say something that may help the bereaved’s pain a small bit and that I would never say something that would make it worse.
This works for all but your closest friends and relatives.
Now, just because these words follow a formula doesn’t mean they don’t come from my heart:
Here is the formula I use:
1) Say how sorry or sad you are that the person has died. Be sure to mention the departed one, by name. Optionally, add a sentence about how you will miss the departed. This is comforting to the bereaved because it shows you share their sorrow, and that the departed has not been forgotten.
2) Say what a wonderful person the departed was. Cite a quick example if you can. If you did not know the deceased person personally, but you know one of the bereaved, you can say “What a wonderful person she must have been to raise a child like you.”
This raises the bereaved’s hope that their loved one had not lived in vain, and will not be forgotten.
3) Offer the bereaved a hope that they can find some solace. I use this, “May G-d grant you comfort in your sorrow.”
This will help them find solace as well as anything else you can say.
At this point, you have probably said enough words. For you to speak further will only increase the chance of inadvertently causing pain. If you feel like it, you may cry with the bereaved, or hug the bereaved, if appropriate.
e.g:
Upon meeting the father of a friend whose mother died recently.
1. I was very saddened to hear that Mrs. S. had died. She was a wonderful woman, I will miss her very much.
2. She was always so considerate: when I was hospitalized as a youngster, the first call or card I got was from a neighbor was from her. You know we had many kind and considerate neighbors, but she was the first.
3. May G-d grant you comfort in your sorrow, or a bracha appropriate to your community.
<silence from me. Let the bereaved talk if he/she so wishes.>