You’re right. To a certain extent, the regimented factor has taken over, especially in the NY area and for some reason this has become the norm. Its a very sad fact, and I have a feeling you are not the only one to feel this way. If its possible, even for a short time, make some connections in a smaller community, and visit or even consider moving there. Not only is it a away from NY, but its a chance to start over.
I told him “I want to one day want to be frum”
This might surprise you somewhat but to me it seems to me that day is now. Or maybe you really never lost that want. Disappointment just got in the way.
Why I think so? “Thoughout all of this I never cut all ties, I would still attend shuirim, still put on tephilin every day. I still managed to take off for the yamin noramim and other yamim tovinm.
The other tie I kept was checking this website, especially the coffee room. “
May you find happiness and fulfillment in your life.
And please, keep posting.