cleverjewishpun
I think what you need most is to get in touch with an intelligent and compassionate Rabbi who is open minded and can help you get back on track. I reccomend you check out the link I provided. There’s a phone number there to get in touch with Rabbi Suchard the founder of Gateways. He can likely help you or direct you to one of his staff Rabbanim who can help you get past what you are going through.