I am not trying to push here and I am not exactly qualified to give advice but as a person who went through (and sometimes it still is hard and may feel like I still am going through) the “bumps” myself I did find that as uncomfortable as it may be you must talk with someone or else as maynish put it you are destroying yourself. Now if you can get someone anonymous (which I didn’t) good and fine but if you can’t, as hard as it may be, go speak to someone you know, a real friend/mentor/etc, the type of person that no matter what happens will always be there (I spoke with my father and my rebbe and I feel that not only do they not respect me, on the contrary they think more of me for coming to talk to them. This is not saying that I have no problems calling them up/talking to them in person but there are times due to the fact that I have already spoken to them, that the next time is easier)
May Hashem help in all that you need