riki, while your brother is going through his nisayon you are going through your own as you have already realized. The pain you feel for him, the confusion you are feeling yourself and the sadness you feel for your parents. There are all kinds of thoughts, feelings and emotions you are going through some of which may run from loyalty to fear. Each member of your household must feel that their lives have been turned upside down. You each want answers and yet there are no answers for you. You each want to know what to do and yet there is nothing for you to do but give your brother unconditional love. You might not approve of what he does and you might not accept his actions but he needs to know that you accept him and love him no matter what.
Having said that, you also need to know that your needs and your feelings are also extremely important. The world does not revolve around your brother’s issues although it might seem like it does at the moment. As a sibling you might be able to reach your brother on a level your parents can’t even penetrate. But first you have to understand who you are. How do YOU need to be respected? What are your values? What is important to you? Plant your feet firmly on the ground and make sure that you take an accounting of who you are and what YOU represent.
Why is this important? Because your brother is still your brother, your flesh and blood no matter what he chooses to do or what his journey may be. You are not in control of that and there is nothing you can do to change that. He has to work through his own issues and he is in control of his own choices. He can choose to get help and bring his issues to the surface. He can choose to trust your parents with whatever is bothering him and trust in their support. Or he can choose to try to handle whatever it is on his own and go down this dark journey.
You have the same power of choice. You can choose to stake your claim and be proud of who you are and what you represent. YOU can choose to tell your brother that YOU love him unconditionally and that you would hope he feels the same about you. Just as he wishes that YOU and everyone else would respect his choices, so too do you have a right to ask him to respect yours. In other words, you have a right to say “if you choose to be mechalel shabbos I have to respect that but by the same token YOU know how important it is to me and the rest of the family, so if you are not doing this to hurt us please RESPECT our choices as well and do so in a way that it is not in our face. Is it really necessary for us to hear your computer or TV? Isn’t it enough that we know that you are not respecting OUR Shabbos; do we have to actually hear you or see you doing it? I will admit that I have no clue what has happened and why you are making these choices at this time. But I will also admit that you are my brother and that is more important to me than the choices you make. Can we just agree to respect each other?”
If that sounds like something you can handle, then go for it. The point is that as a family you have to support each other through good times and bad times. Life is a challenge and sometimes the challenges we face are a lot more than we bargained for. The most important thing right now is to keep your brother safe, but that doesn’t mean that your lives stop or the world stops spinning because he is going down this path. If you can convey your love and support and keep the line of communications open you might be handing him a lifeline. As for your life, why should you worry about going off the derech? This is not a contagious disease!!! For whatever reason your brother is going through this nisayon why do you feel it will effect you the same way? YOU are your own person, and YOU need to believe in what you believe in. If you believe in Hashem and have true bitachon then maybe saying Tehilim for your brother will help YOU and maybe even help him. Having your own private conversations with Hashem will help you to feel more connected to him and less disconnected and “free falling”. Please understand that whatever he is going through he really doesn’t want to take you down with him.