bombmaniac, I have to say something and I hope you will hear me, seriously. You say that you believe that people say what they mean, and therefore your mother must have had those thoughts somewhere within her therefore it came out of her in her psychotic breakdown. But what you never gave a moments thought to is why she might have had that thought in a rational moment. Many mothers who are a burden to their children have irrational thoughts that they are bad parents and they are giving their children a miserable life. They think their children would have been better off not being born, and would have been better off had they made the decision to abort. That way they may have had the opportunity to be born to other parents. Or they think they should have given them up for adoption so they could have had the opportunity of being raised by other parents and have the opportunity of having a better life. It is not out of hatred but out of love of their children and out of guilt of not being a good parent.
Unfortunately in her manic downslide and her crazy irrational behavior, that thought came out in a negative light. Probably because it was a thought in her head, but because she was not in control of memory and thoughts when she was having a manic episode, as you said irrational thoughts and comments just come forth, that is a thought that escaped her mouth in her escalated state. Can she possibly determine what is appropriate and what is not appropriate when she is having a manic episode?
I would blame your mom and hold her accountable for NOT getting the help she needed and not staying on the medication she needed to because she was a mother and her responsibility to you should have been more important than feeling creative and free. But you really don’t know what was or is going on in her cluttered and disorganized manic mind. She unfortunately has a lot of pain and guilt buried within along with her psychotic issues. She is a jumble of various different emotions bouncing from one extreme to another that is being controlled as best as possible by whatever medications that is working for whatever period of time it works. No one can possibly know what she really feels like or what is really going on in her mind, body or soul at this point.
So please, please do not believe the worst. Please do not believe that your mother meant to hurt you at that time, on that horrible day. Please do not believe that your mother ever, ever believed what she said, because you were probably the best thing that ever happened to her. YOU were the one true love of her life. YOU gave her unconditional love and she was able to love you unconditionally for as long as she was as normal as you can define normal for her. YOU gave her the best years of her life and you don’t know if those memories are what keep her hanging on to whatever sanity she still has.
YOU should separate yourself from her to keep yourself sane and healthy. But maybe you should do that more physically than emotionally. Maybe it is time that you find a place nearby that you can live so that you don’t have to see her on a regular basis. It is not healthy for a young man your age to care for a sick mother. YOU need to take care of yourself and have as much of a normal life a young man your age has. YOU need to learn or be in college and start on your path for a successful future. Map out your life and start planning for the future. But think about what I told you. Please, never think that you were not wanted, because that is very far from the truth. Your mom was not in her right mind when she had that episode. And I am telling you as a mother, if she ever had that thought it was out of guilt that she was not being a good mother to you, not that you were a burden to her. It was because she was a burden to you.
Hatzlocha rabah.