bombmaniac, I do not doubt anything that you say or feel. I only know a mothers love for her children and a mother’s guilt. Your mother is mentally ill and very disturbed. She can’t be held accountable for the hurtful things that come out of her mouth. She is not responsible for the gibberish that spills forth and she is not capable of explaining herself nor understanding her own intent. Can anyone explain why someone with Turrets Syndrome spill forth a chain of curse words when they are having their ticks? Mental illness is mental illness. It is painful for the patient and hurtful for the family.
YOU need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself healthy, and you need to understand the illness as much as you can so that it doesn’t poison you. Please, please speak to some experts to find out for yourself if what I am saying is feasible. Please do not allow your mother’s hurtful comments to enter your heart and soul. As a mother I believe that she didn’t mean it the way she said it, that you were a burden to her. Can you remember at any time in your lives together that you were ever a burden to her? I can tell you this, especially for a bi-polar who was crashing and going down, she knew with every inch of her being that she was a tremendous burden to a young child who needed not only a mother but two parents who could take good care of him and be good role models for him. And she was never capable of giving that to you.