no. i dont plan on using a normal shadchan. ill either go to my rav or people i know (parents of friends…family friends…etc…) it just galls me to think that others think me inferior for no good reason.
to all those who are talking about compatibility…let the two parties decide??? why must shadchanim automatically filter it by “family type x” and “family type y?” although to be fair im placing all the blame on the shadchanim and not enough on everyone else…its wrong to deny someone a chance at your son or daughter solely on the basis of religious and/or family history. its unfair and wrong. and its, frankly, quite hurtful. everyone can have problems. mainstream people, BTs, those from divorced families, those without families such as orphans, everyone has problems. but to deny someone access to your kids because of a problem they MAY have due to something out of their control is awful.
i should probably allow for a distinction as far as baalei teshuva are concerned. someone who is a tinok shenishbuh, i can understand, would be viewed differently than someone who went off the derech and came back on. i dont like it…but i can understand it. so perhaps i should have made that distinction earlier. that being said, what good is teshuva if its not accepted? if its good enough for hashem should it not be good enough for us?
this is slightly unrelated but it reminds me of a shmuz by rabbi shaeffer on teh subject of “religious atheism” IOW the idea that you know the torah better than hashem does. a guy separated from his wife, she has teh kids. hes refusing to give a get. so he comes to this guy and asks him why he refused. he said because hes concerned that if she remarries teh new husband might not have the same ideals in chinuch as he does. to which rabbi shaeffer (i think it was him who was talking to teh guy…eitehr way the story stands) replied but its halacha…the guy refused.
so he asks the guy, what if rav elyashuv came and told you to give a get, would you? teh guy said no…im worried about the chinuch of my child. so he goes further…if eliyahu hanavi came and told you to give a get, would you? teh guy said no. if a bas-kol came out of shamayim and told you to give a get, would you? he said no. so teh rav gave up. teh guy clearly isnt following the torah for hashem’s sake but for his own. he doesnt have the emunah and bitachon necessary to realize that hashem made teh halacha allowing for all kinds of circumstances, his included. so he refused to give the get.
i think its similar to our discussion. everyone keeps saying how lofty baalei teshuva are, that they are in a higher place than even teh greatest tzaddik for what they did. yet no one wants to touch them. everyone tells them to have bitachon yet no one has enough bitachon to trust that maybe hashem knows what hes doing when it comes to baalei teshuva. bitachon apparently only works when its convenient. im willing to bet that if you asked teh gedolim about marrying baalei teshuva and those from divorced homes they would say “check the person out, if theyre sincere, good people, go for it” yet no one does.
so please…the next person who wants to tell me to have bitachon? hold your tongue. i have the necessary bitachon. the question is…do you?