Firstly, thank you for thinking so highly of me that you wanted my opinion. It’s nice to be thought of as someone who has a positive contribution to make.
Secondly, I almost skipped this thread. I don’t normally read every thread (there just isn’t enough time). If you want to make sure I read the thread, feel free to send me an email alerting me to the thread (you can find it just by Googling my username)
Thirdly, as for the content of your letter itself:
I think Aries said it best — the problem is not with you, but with those with whom you are choosing to associate. I don’t know if the problem you are having is with this one person (or a small group of people) or, perhaps, the entire community. If it’s just the one person, perhaps it’s time to find a new friend.
If it’s the community, and you want to remain a part of that community, you may just have to learn to accept the fact that you may never *truly* be one of “them” and that they will always look upon you as one who is “slightly outside” the norm.
There’s an old prayer called “The Serentiy Prayer” that goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
You cannot change the basic fundamental attitudes of the entire community. If they always think of you as “the outsider,” especially after all these years, then it is unlikely to change in the future. Accept the fact that this will not change, as much as you may wish it to.
Please keep in mind that being thought of as “the outsider” does not meant that they reject you or do not love you. It just means that they recognize that there is something different about you (in this case, your upbringing) and, in some ways, it sets you apart from them. But that’s fine. You can still be an active, participating member of the community, even if you’re viewed as “slightly different.”
I’ve spent a good portion of my life as “the outsider” too, and I know how it feels. But I’ve learned something over the years. Rather than be embarrassed about your difference from the rest of community, simply accept it and, perhaps, even embrace it. It’s a part of you — you can’t excise your upbringing any more than you can excise a part of your soul. Instead, take that difference and make it a strength — that you can see things in a different perspective that other people might not, or that you might have certain insights into problems and situations that might be oblivious to others in the community. In other words, look upon your background not as a weakness, but as a source of strength.
Keep in mind that in any large enough community, you’re going to come across people who are boors, snobs and stuck-ups. And in any large enough community, you’re going to come across people who will recognize that your differences shouldn’t cause you to be branded as an “outsider” or “not truly one of us.” I don’t know what branch of chassidus you belong to, but I’d be willing to bet dollars to donuts that there *must* be people who are willing to accept you as you are, good and bad (as we all have within us), and not view you as “not *truly* one of us” because of your background. Search out and befriend the latter types and either dump the former, or learn to accept their attitudes.
Either way, I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
The Wolf