“It’s a big deal for me if I say modeh ani in the morning”
One ????? for ??? ??????? is that Hashem has great confidence and trust IN US. Hashem knows that you will get past this challenge after you put in a whole lot of work on it. And then you’ll have developed strong spiritual muscles from the difficult experience.
It’s like the story when Hashem tells a person to move a huge boulder from blocking his front door. The guy pushes & pushes to no avail; the rock doesn’t budge. The man complains that he’s not getting anywhere…Hashem counters, “Did you see the muscles you’ve developed in your arms??!”
BTW, when I read that you said shma last night, I was thinking,
?? ???? ??????!!!
Despite your struggles, you still connected! Way to go!