Hi Bpmum,
As someone who’s been there i know exactly what you are going through. I was diagnosed with anorexia 2 years ago and have been fighting ever since. Anorexia may not consume me as it once did, but the thoughts and behaviors associated with my ED will haunt me forever. I know fasting has got to be the hardest thing in the world for you right now. let’s face it, i’m sure you live on a somewhat unconventional diet and gearing up for the fast can be a headtrip in itself. even if you know you will be depriving your body of nutrients for a full 25 hours, you can’t bring yourself to add more than to restricted portion sizes to prepare yourself adequately for this ‘starvation’. fast days are stressful… as it stands caloric intakes and portion sizes haunt you routinely at every hour of the day… how much more so on a fast day when the ENTIRE day revolves around our 2 favorite things. 1)restriction and 2)food. fast days are almost ‘easy’ to those that suffer with an ED.We aren’t forced to a table watching everyone else enjoying food so mindlessly and effortlessly and being tormented to the point of submission when we succumb to eat the food ourselves… the downside to these fast days are that we know we actually like them. not only like them but almost look forward to them. Any rav will agree that not only are you NOT ALLOWED TO FAST you have a mechuyav to eat on a fast day. Not only will fasting set you back into an unhealthy mindset, it is also a sarkanah as you do not have the reserves to nourish your body for a full 25 hour period. If you need to sneak food up to your bedroom or eat at a time when nobody is around…Do it! Unfortunately many people are still are in the dark about eating disorders. if your family understood what you were risking by fasting they would not be forcing this upon you. Remember,you can still gain meaning from tisha baav without fasting by practicing what it is really about. Some people can fast and spend an entire day speaking loshon hora, watching videos and surfing the web. You have the power to take incredible things away from tisha baav that those who are fasting may not have the strength to do.
Be strong! We all support you!