Mrs. Beautiful, as I noted in the first paragraph of my previous post, negative comparisons between siblings can cause long-term damage to their relationship. When these comments are the norm, children grow up thinking that they must conform to a certain “type”. However, as the siblings grow up their inherent differences become more obvious as they marry, move to different areas, make different lifestyle choices, etc. Since each sibling believes that their is only one correct way to live, he will feel that his siblings’ different decisions are obviously wrong, and criticism/ arguing may result.
In the family I am describing, one married sister called her married brother to complain about his wife, who worked outside of the home in order to support the family & pay tuition for the older children (the brother’s income was not sufficient for this). The sister said his wife only worked because she lacked emuna, and that if she had sufficient emuna & really loved her children she would quit her job & use WIC/ food stamps/ Medicaid etc. to support their family, and rely on the community to pay their children’s tuition (which is what the sister had done). The sister felt that because these choices had worked well for her, anyone who did not make the same choices was committing a sin. These criticisms continued for several months.
Perhaps my viewpoint is skewed because of my observations of this family. (I do know that they make me appreciate my parents for raising us very differently). And Mrs. Beautiful, I don’t mean to imply that your famliy is like this at all. But I do believe that for any MIL, the relationship between her sons/ daughters & their families should be a greater priority than the name by which she is addressed (as long as she is addressed in a respectful manner). Comparing one daughter-in-law to another this way can cause dissension between their families (especially because sisters-in-law generally don’t share the same bonds that siblings do), so even if these comments are effective in motivating the daughter-in-law to address her MIL in the desired manner, they may ultimately cause more harm than good. And since it seems that in this case these comments aren’t helping anyways, maybe a softer approach is called for. Perhaps in time the daughter-in-law will feel more comfortable addressing her MIL as “mommy”. And perhaps in time the MIL will feel that if her daughter-in-law is a good wife to her son & a good mother to her grandchildren, and is generally respectful to her MIL, that this is more important than the name used to address her.