AZOIS – thank you. Amein
“I am one of those “I only have one mother” people. My MIL, no matter how close I am with her is NOT my mother. There are certain titles that IMHO belong only to certain people. Mommy/Daddy is one of them. In addition, I knew my MIL for a few years before my husband and I got engaged. So I always called her by her name…it seemed unnatural to me to change that. My SIL just got engaged and her fiance is also planning to call my in-laws by their names.
Oomis, I just want to let you know that what you did for your MIL is amazing! “
SJS, What you do clearly works for you, and as you pointed out, you knew your MIL for some time before getting engaged. I get that. I really do. I still feel that in most cases, there should be some kind of compromise, whether it is calling the MIL “Ma” if one simply cannot bring herself to say Mom, and once the kids come along, you can say Bubby. If it means something to the MIL, then the one second it takes to utter the word once or twice in a while should not kill a person, even if they philosophically want to hold onto the “she’s not my mother” idea. What if the mom passed away at a relatively young age and the dad re-married. Would the child call the step-mom by name? Clearly THIS MIL is very hurt, and feels like she is less close to that DIL as a result. She reached out to her (albeit not in the best way, IMO), and the DIL instead of reading betwen the lines, dug in her heels even more (and now I am the one reading between the lines). That just does not bode well for the in-law relationship between these two women. Someday SHE will be a MIL ehrself, G-d willing, and she may feel very differently when that day comes.
What we (not I alone) did for my MIL was just to show love and derech eretz to her. WHen she was healthy, she was the most wonderful example of kibud Av v’em for her children to see, growing up, and believe me, I am the BENEFICIARY of that lesson, because my husband is the same type of person as his parents O”H were. The only difference between them is that he is also frum. But for chessed, no one could touch them. I was the lucky one to marry into that family, and I always felt cherished by them.